Boss Laurie T comes into my office this morning and says she wants to have a writing date at Nord’s tonight. I reply, by default, “Great, I’ll be there!”
At which she asks, “What will you be working on?”
To which I reply, “I don’t know yet, but I’m gonna have to figure it out because my thoughts get all crazy when I’m not writing.”
To which my office mate snickers just a little because to her, it sounds like I go postal without a project to work on.
The pitiable truth is, she’s absolutely right.
I’ve never done drugs or even been drunk (control issues, people), but from what I understand, the brief euphoria is other-worldly. That’s how I feel when I’m writing. My world makes sense. The chaos of reality is silent and my creative endorphins assure my consciousness that all is well and all will be well. I feel like I can do anything. It’s the most empowering feeling in the world, to be creating.
To make all those abstractions a little more concrete, take the last 6 weeks of my life as proof. Before I started the Scriptapalooza project, I was in utter chaos. I was role playing with the ideas of being a corporate event planner, a sociolinguistic academic, a story consultant, and a screenwriter all at the same time. And imagined doing it all with a kid or two on each hip. Every day was a battle for a different career and a deep immersion into research on everything from venue contracts to PhD programs to motherhood. It was pure insanity.
Then I came across Scriptapalooza and thought hey, I don’t have a TV spec yet, I’m pretty good at character, I have a current favorite show, why not? And I embarked on four weeks of peace and pleasure and pure creation. It was a vacation from my otherwise overwhelmed and completely chaotic train of thought about the future. And now, here I am, just days after I submitted my script, and I am in chaos again. Nothing seems sure. All aspirations feel like a pipe dream, and my mind is riddled with questions. Start a family? Go to school? Launch a business? Move to NY (because LA is out of the question)? All the sudden, things that were never a question in my mind while I was writing are all I can think about.
I’m at an impasse with myself. I can’t figure it out. So what am I going to do about it? Keep creating. That’s all I know to do. You know that Ingrid Michaelson song, “Keep Breathing”? That’s my mantra, except instead of breathing, I have to keep writing. No matter what the future brings or doesn’t bring, keep creating. Never. stop. creating.