Creation is my Creatine

Boss Laurie T comes into my office this morning and says she wants to have a writing date at Nord’s tonight. I reply, by default, “Great, I’ll be there!”

At which she asks, “What will you be working on?”

To which I reply, “I don’t know yet, but I’m gonna have to figure it out because my thoughts get all crazy when I’m not writing.”

To which my office mate snickers just a little because to her, it sounds like I go postal without a project to work on.

The pitiable truth is, she’s absolutely right.

I’ve never done drugs or even been drunk (control issues, people), but from what I understand, the brief euphoria is other-worldly. That’s how I feel when I’m writing. My world makes sense. The chaos of reality is silent and my creative endorphins assure my consciousness that all is well and all will be well. I feel like I can do anything. It’s the most empowering feeling in the world, to be creating.

To make all those abstractions a little more concrete, take the last 6 weeks of my life as proof. Before I started the Scriptapalooza project, I was in utter chaos. I was role playing with the ideas of being a corporate event planner, a sociolinguistic academic, a story consultant, and a screenwriter all at the same time. And imagined doing it all with a kid or two on each hip. Every day was a battle for a different career and a deep immersion into research on everything from venue contracts to PhD programs to motherhood. It was pure insanity.

Then I came across Scriptapalooza and thought hey, I don’t have a TV spec yet, I’m pretty good at character, I have a current favorite show, why not? And I embarked on four weeks of peace and pleasure and pure creation. It was a vacation from my otherwise overwhelmed and completely chaotic train of thought about the future. And now, here I am, just days after I submitted my script, and I am in chaos again. Nothing seems sure. All aspirations feel like a pipe dream, and my mind is riddled with questions. Start a family? Go to school? Launch a business? Move to NY (because LA is out of the question)? All the sudden, things that were never a question in my mind while I was writing are all I can think about.

I’m at an impasse with myself. I can’t figure it out. So what am I going to do about it? Keep creating. That’s all I know to do. You know that Ingrid Michaelson song, “Keep Breathing”? That’s my mantra, except instead of breathing, I have to keep writing. No matter what the future brings or doesn’t bring, keep creating. Never. stop. creating.

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8 thoughts on “Creation is my Creatine

  1. I think this is the first of your writing I have ever seen. You’re very good at it, Amanda! It’s all very clear. I need only read through it once, rather than having to back-pedal every now and then to make sure I’m following the train. And the expression of your thoughts is also methodical, yet everyday.

    Great topical idea, too. I guess everyone has their own version of “creatine”–that creative or impassioned or at the very least enjoyable activity that instills in us a sense of order and calmness and sanity and purpose. Whether it be designing or songwriting or sporting or… writing, let the creatine flow.

  2. 1) you’re a good writer. no doubt.
    2) I’m so with you on the creating thing. When I’m creating, I’m alive. When I’m not creating, I’m distracted by my desire to create. Every fiber in me desires to be creative.

    1. Lisa, I couldn’t have said it better. “When I’m not creating, I’m distracted by my desire to create.” It’s overwhelming at times. But that’s one of the things that lets us know that when we ARE creating, we’re doing exactly what we’re meant to do.

  3. Or “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” from Finding Nemo could just be, “just keep writing, just keep writing”

    Because nobody likes Ingrid

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